Our House Lately

It sure is interesting to be a mom. I feel like every single one of the things I thought I would never do or would never happen to me have happened. I thought that I wouldn't feel guilty because I would have a "handle" on things. I thought that I would be able to MAKE my kids be a certain type of person, like certain things and act in certain ways.
Thank goodness that God knows so much more than I do about raising children. Thank goodness that He is more creative than I could ever be. And thank goodness that He knows best. I need not worry, but persistently seek Him and persistently open my parenting hands and 'let it go'.
So we're working on letting it go! We've definitely had some ups and downs as we've been spending more time together without itineraries. Madeline is taking the semester off from school so that we can breathe and soak in some time before a new baby comes and school is a must!
We've been spending a lot of free play time, yay! But y'all, let me just tell ya, the pretend playing is about to do me in. I can't be Rapunzel or Hans or a chef ONE MORE TIME!
Here she's making everyone hold hands and sing the Grinch song with all the Who's...so cute.

And this one is making them hug and kiss...all the heart eyes :)

She keeps finding herself in photos and saying "Me! Weetle! (little)" Sometimes she finds other babies and claims them as herself too, hehe. 

"Wanna play I Spy? Or Knock Knock? Or restaurant????"

But amidst all the pretend play and all the games and all the chatter and all the glitter and all the dress up, these sweet kiddos are mine and I love them. There's not a single other place I'd rather be, or any thing else in the world I'd rather be doing. I'm so lucky this is my job! Even on the crazy days, I hope that I can still look for the evidences of God's love and mercy and grace upon me. That each little person in our home is a complete blessing and it's so stinkin' beautiful. I hope I never get over it.

Anniversaries and Fireplace Dilemmas

Ok you guys...
No sooner had I written that lovely, gushy post and we had a WWIII day yesterday. All about perspective, right? Thankfully God is chipping away at me little by little, and thankfully His graces are new every morning, because I do believe that everyone in this household needed new graces this morning. 
We did have a busy week trying to prepare for the fire marshall to come today. Yikes!
I was nervous....I don't like being judged, haha.
We spent our anniversary (8 years! Woo hoo!) trying to get the house ready. And the biggest project, installing our new fireplace doors, entailed a plan A, B and C. Luckily by plan C we got it to work, because there was no D option. Sheesh....
Plan A (cute optimistic happy face)

Plan B (uh oh, only one option left)

And finally, Plan C (a chorus of angels are singing)

It took our entire anniversary evening, on top of another evening to get this sucker in. But it's done, and it's beautiful, and it's SAFE, so we're happy.

And the hubs didn't forget about me even though we had to work and parent on our anniversary....

Why yes, that is a box of mac and cheese we made for dinner. You can't win 'em all. Even though this wasn't our most romantic of anniversaries, I felt loved and appreciated by my sweet flowers and a diet coke. He knows me. This is real life, and there's no one I would rather do life with.

So, now the inspection is done (nothing to have been nervous about, he was so super nice), the holidays are behind us, and we are one step closer to adding a sweet little one to the family. It's getting real. Cue the excited, anxious, nervous high fives. 

I think we'll take the weekend to rest and regroup, yay!

Easing into the New Year

Man! Hard to believe that the holidays that we planned and planned for has already come and gone. We had such a nice little break from reality together that I was kind of dreading joining the real world this week.
BUT...
Honestly, it's been pretty great. I didn't realize how much I missed my routine, spending just intentional time with my kiddos, getting the small things done around here. Taking time away from all that gave me a bit of perspective I think. 
My life is sweet. 
I say this not to invoke jealousy in anyone or to act as though I'm better (which I'm totally, totally not), but because it is just SWEET.
I forget that. I forget that often. I'm so grateful to be refreshed so I can come back to my life and feel truly thankful for what it contains. God has been gentle to nudge me towards contentment, and that has been a HUGE challenge to me throughout my life. I will not declare victory in this area, but I will declare victory over yesterday! ...let's not get crazy
As we embark on this foster care journey, I know that there will be things that I will be giving up....activities, free time, just the busy-ness of life. Parts of me have felt nervous about that.
Will I still feel connected to all of my friends if I have to spend more time at home?
Will I still feel purposeful by serving mostly in my own home?
Will I be enough? Will my life be enough?
But, God is so gracious to me. He has been showing me this week that HE is enough, and that's all that matters. Through the games of candy land, reading the millionth story of the day, getting the dishes done, and getting a precious smile from my girls I felt full. I felt full because I felt thankful, and I remained mindful of the Giver of good gifts. 
I want to hold fast to this joy. To grip it so hard and experience it each and every day. 
But I know me, and I know my human nature. I know the struggle I go through to find contentment, how I often look in each and every other nook and cranny to find it before realizing it's been here all along. I know I will stumble and fall again and again.
But today I want to say thank you. I'm thankful for my family, for the job I've been given here in my home, for the small but growing business that God has been faithful to provide for, for the adoption journey and all that has entailed. 

My Dear Girls,

I just want you to know...I think about you both all the time. 

How can I be a better mommy to you?

How can I make the world around you "just right"....whatever that may look like.

What's too much? What's not enough?

I want you to stay little forever, but I also can't wait for our relationship to grow deeper and stronger as you grow up and I see you doing new and exciting things. 

How can I convey my love to you? How will you ever grasp what it means to me to be your mommy? I don't think you can. I don't think it's possible to understand until you experience it for yourself. It's so vast, so deep, so unlike something of this world.

There is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. There is no amount of distance, or anger, or mistakes that could ever keep me from loving you just as you are and desiring the absolute best for you. 

I delight in you, just when you are who you are. I love who you are...don't change. Continue to learn what it means to be a better version of who God created you to be already.

Thank you for the gift you've given me by allowing me to have the best, most wonderfully challenging job I could have ever asked for. Thank you for your smiles, your giggles, your milestones and lightbulb moments. Thank you for letting me dry your tears and for letting me be the one to watch you grow and learn.

No matter what happens in life, who you grow up to be, I will always remember you just as you are right now. Perfectly innocent, beautiful little girls...my little girls. 

May your lives truly belong to the Lord as you follow Him and learn of a love even more pure than mine can ever be in Jesus. I'm sorry for the times I will disappoint you, let you down, yell or be less than what you need. But, the God who created you and knows and searches your hearts will NEVER disappoint you. I'm thankful for that, I'm banking on that. 

If you take nothing else away from me, may that be the good news I have for you. As much as I want to love you perfectly, I can't...but I believe in the God who can. He made you with a special purpose, and he made you to carry out that purpose walking in step with himself. I can't wait to watch as you begin to grow into the people who are going to live that out. May I be an encouragement to you and never a stumbling block.

I love you both so much, and I just wanted you to know that. 

XOXO, 

Mommy

You're not a Texan if you don't rodeo.....

so we, as Texas residents for our whole lives, felt it was time to take the girls and us. We haven't been EVER since we've known each other, which is so funny because it's such a BIG DEAL to many around here. So basically we were overdue for some pig racin', mutton bustin', fried food kinda fun. 

We were pumped up for a good time, particularly after an especially trying week. We packed all the things, we got dressed in all the cowgirl cuteness, and we set off EARLY to get a good jump start. Now when I say early, I mean like we left our house at 7:45, which is a feat around these here parts. Everyone was excited, happy faces and happy attitudes.

I would love to say it was a picture perfect day full of education, fun and treats...but that just wasn't our reality. There were meltdowns, hunger strikes, outbursts, and tears. There were moments that I was embarrassed, that I felt like crying myself, when I really and truly just didn't know what to do anymore. I was totally out of control. 

Here's a snapshot that seems calm enough, but in actuality this was right in the throws. Emilia could NOT be satiated with any type of food or water, Madeline was on a total stimulus overload and therefore was restricted back to the stroller for awhile, much to her dismay.

It was a tough day. It didn't go perfectly. I came away tired, thinking, "What WAS I even thinking?". 

But then, as I was looking through the photos to choose which ones to add, I noticed something......

Memories were made this day. Things were experienced for the first time. There WERE lots of smiles, and there WAS lots of fun too. Lessons were learned. Family was valued. Love was shared. 

In this season of life, I want things to be picture perfect. I want to create these pinterest-worthy memories for my kids and for myself. But that's just not real life. Real life is messy, complicated and often leaves us tired, overwhelmed and feeling downright crazy. BUT, it's in all this hard stuff that the real memories are made, where the magic happens....even if the magic only lasts for a couple of minutes. That's what we will remember in five years, not the argument or meltdown.

So though this wasn't a "perfect day", I want to remember the fun we had and celebrate that we SURVIVED the rodeo experience with our babies. Even if we finished feeling like this.....

...poor thing could barely keep her eyes open.